November 1997
MAKING CHARACTER COUNT IN YOUR FAMILY
If we really want young people to develop integrity, compassion and personal
responsibility, we must go beyond what is taught in classrooms. Using the principles
of CHARACTER COUNTS! in your family can be a good way to start. The T.E.A.M. approach
may help:
T -- Teach:
Teach kids their character counts — that their success and happiness will depend on
who they are inside, not on what they have or how they look. Tell them that people
of character know the difference between right and wrong because they guide their
actions by the Six Pillars of Character. Use examples of people representing these
pillars from your own life, history and the news.
E -- Enforce
Instill the Six Pillars by rewarding good behavior and by discouraging all instances
of bad behavior, by imposing fair, consistent consequences that prove you are serious
about character. Demonstrate courage and firmness by enforcing the core values even
when it is difficult to do so.
A -- Advocate
Continuously encourage your teens to live up to the Six Pillars of Character in all
their thoughts and actions. Don't be neutral about the importance of character, and
don't be casual about proper conduct. Be clear and uncompromising that you want and
expect your children to be trustworthy, respectful and responsible.
M -- Model
Be careful and self-conscious about setting a good example in everything you say and
do. Hold yourself to the highest standards by honoring the Six Pillars of Character
at all times. Be sure your messages reinforce your lessons about doing the right thing.
When you slip (and most of us do), act the way you want your kids to behave when they act
improperly.
Sometimes just talking about what good character means raises some good issues for
discussion. For example, ask each member of your family to choose one of the Six
Pillars. Have them describe an incident of how someone they know has demonstrated
that pillar to them. Some questions to ask: How did it make you feel when this
happened? Were you more willing to act his way in return? Did you consider doing
the same thing for someone else? How might more acts like this improve our family
and community? Talk about why having good character is so important.
Have each member of your family make a pact. Everyone can select a pillar and think
about specific actions they can take to carry out that pillar in their own life. Each
person's example and commitment to being a person of character may be far more effective
than you can imagine in building the character of the next generation.
Being a person of character isn't always easy. What it really means is consistently
practicing trustworthiness, respect, responsibility, fairness, caring and citizenship,
not just when it brings us personal gain, or doesn't really matter, but ALL of the time.
Character Counts! is a service mark of the
Josephson Institute of Ethics.
Talking to Teen-agers
Teen-agers have never been easy on their parents. On the road to becoming adults, teens
are naturally inclined to take risks, experiment, and discover themselves and life. The
process creates much anxiety for parents and other adults in a teen-ager's life. Parents
know teen-agers have to have room to develop so they can acquire the life skills needed as
they mature. On the other hand, parents can't help worrying about the safety and well-being
of their children. Here are some parenting strategies that might be helpful in talking with
your teen.
- Talk about values.
- Passing along a strong sense of values is one of the fundamental tasks of being a parent.
No matter how uncomfortable it is, parents need to talk to their children about difficult
social issues and their decisions about them. Talk about these things in a casual setting
where conversation is encouraged, rather than lecturing them.
- Focus on what is important.
- Most teens feel the need to try out different roles. This is one way teens learn to
function on their own. Making a fuss of everything only creates resistance to the really
important rules. Save the non- negotiable issues for the important things — safety and
health — rather than messy rooms, torn jeans, etc.
- Be willing to be unpopular.
- Try to accept that there will be times when your children won't like what you say — or at
least will act as if they don't like you. Being your child's friend is not your primary
role as a parent as children are growing up.
- Avoid arguing.
- Arguments fuel hostility... and don't get you heard. Don't judge everything your teen
says. Retain the mutual right to simply disagree. Also, avoid trying to reason with
someone who is upset. You might try waiting until tempers have cooled down to discuss
the problem. Finally, don't try to talk teens out of their feelings. You can acknowledge
someone's feelings and reactions without having to condone them.
- Be respectful.
- We are offended when our children treat us discourteously, but we often fail to recognize
when we are doing the same to them. Respect works both ways. For example, if we want our
teens to let us know where they are, parents should expect to follow the same rules and
let their children know their whereabouts.
- Help teens learn from experience.
- No matter how hard we try to teach good judgment and supervise their important decisions,
teens may still act in ways that frighten us. Sometimes dealing with the consequences of
their own behavior inspires sensible behavior more effectively that lecture or punishment.
Although we would rather our kids not learn life's lessons the hard way, the fact is that
experience sometimes can be the best teacher.
Following these tips will open up communication doors with your teens.
Adapted from Enriching Family Relationships, 1994.
Written by Leslie Crandall, Extension Educator
Fort Kearny EPU, Phelps-Gosper Counties