August 1998
As adolescents' bodies begin to physically mature, their minds and emotions begin to mature as well. For the first time in their lives, young people are motivated by their sexual feelings, and may begin to act on them. At the same time, parents and adults are faced with the reality that their children are becoming sexual people. During this century there has been a growing gap between the age at which young people become sexually mature, and the age at which they become socially mature. For some youth there is as much as a 15 year period between the time that they are physically mature and the time that they achieve social and financial independence. All of this can be very hard for adults and youth alike!
The emotional changes associated with emerging sexuality during adolescence are greatly shaped by adolescents' new awareness of conflicting social messages about sexuality and gender stereotypes. During adolescence we learn gender stereotypes, or the things that men and women are "supposed to do". While women are supposed to be emotional, helpful, and understanding, men are supposed to be independent, competitive, and determined. Most children try to conform to these stereotypes, and yet these are positive characteristics that may be present in all people, regardless of gender.
Our society also gives youth conflicting messages about sexuality. Being sexy is highly valued in our culture. However, teenagers are also told about the negative things that happen to sexually active teenagers, like unintended pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections. These conflicting messages are learned from TV, magazines, and movies. And while most adolescents do not want to disappoint their parents, they also do not want to disappoint their peers, who may value sexual activity. In addition, many youth at this age feel the normal desire to break away from parents and begin to set their own rules. Because parents still provide the basic necessities of life, adolescents may feel that their emotional and sexual life is the area in which they can have personal control.
In our society where conflicting messages about sex and gender behavior seem to be everywhere, how can adults make a difference? Adults and teenagers need to talk with one another about these issues. Adolescents want information about these issues from their parents. Too often, parents are not comfortable talking about sexuality, and children are left "on their own". This is one reason why peers are often so important in teenagers' lives. However, adolescents don't just want information - they need parents and adults to share their underlying values. Teenagers can benefit from the understanding they gain when adults talk about the values that they have used to guide their own decisions about sexuality.
Parents may not feel comfortable talking with their children about sexuality. They may not know all of the answers; they may not want to talk about sexuality at all! But children want to talk to their parents about sexuality. When a child brings up the subject with comments or questions, it is a teachable moment and needs to be treated as one. It is not a parent's right, it is their responsibility to talk with their children about sexuality.
While parents are the primary sex educators, adolescents ultimately have to make their own decisions about their sexual behavior. Conversations about sexuality and sexual behavior within the family enable youth to think about these hard questions for themselves. A youth who is striving for independence may not respond well to rules or expectations that are not discussed openly and may therefore seem restrictive. It is better for adolescents to be able discuss these issues with adults so that they make up their own minds about behaviors that they are comfortable with.
In addition to facts, do share your feelings, values and beliefs. Then tell your child why you feel the way you do. Most of us have very good reasons behind our beliefs. Telling our children the "why" behind our values teaches them to think. Children also need help in seeing the difference between thoughts, feelings and actions. Parents can help their children understand that while it is normal to have all kinds of sexual thoughts and feelings, they are in charge of their own behavior.
Children and youth need to hear the point of view from adults. They need to hear about your growing up; they want to hear stories about your youth and how you dealt with the issues that they are going through. These discussions, knowing what you faced and how you handled the situation can help your children with their own struggles regarding sexuality.
Sources:
Moglia, R.F., & Knowles, J. 1997. All About Sex: A Family Resource on Sex and Sexuality.
Steinberg (1996) Adolescence. 4th Edition.
SIECUS "Communication Tips for Parents" URL: http://www.siecus.org/ parent/pare0001.html
This Back Page was contributed by Judith Schwab, Extension Educator, Otoe County, Nebraska.
