August 1996

When I ask parents, "Do your children have a right to be angry?" they usually answer yes. But when I ask them how their children are allowed to show anger, these same parents become quiet. If there's one area desperately calling for attention, it's helping parents to teach young people to show anger appropriately, to deal with conflict openly, and to express negative feelings without fear of consequences.

It is okay to feel angry. A lot of things happen every day to trigger our anger. And, where our adolescents are concerned, we have a long list of things they may do that make us respond with anger.

When you feel angry, when young people feel angry, something needs to be changed to resolve the anger. Anger is a signal for change. So don't fight anger; find out what is causing the anger; decide what changes are needed; and then use good anger management skills to channel the anger.

Parents have a double task when they interact with young people. Not only do they have to deal with their angry feelings, but they also need to deal with the angry feelings of their children. And if that is not enough, young people express anger differently as they grow, and learn different ways to manage their anger as they grow.

Some anger triggers common during adolescence:

• Arguing about limits on time and actions
• Blaming others for causing his or her own anger
• Withdrawing into a room or going out when you are trying to talk
• Borrowing things without permission
• Fighting, acting out
• Expecting privileges in spite of poor performance

Before you can deal with the anger triggers from your adolescent, you will have to deal with your own anger. Let's not minimize the importance of recognizing and dealing with our own anger. When you feel anger in response to something your child does, your first reaction is often to feel aggressive towards him. You need to take care of those feelings.

So the first act is--CALM yourself:

• Take deep breaths
• Count to ten
• Take a walk

Do whatever it takes for you to RELAX so you can constructively handle the situation.

As you interact with your adolescent, some appropriate parent responses are:

• Encouraging the child to express feelings
• Encouraging cooling off
• Clarifying expectations
• Offering to negotiate
• Helping to analyze the problem
• Soliciting explanations for behavior
• Encouraging alternative solutions
• Restating rules
• Pointing out consequences of behavior
• Encouraging participation in rule making
• Praising efforts and successes
• Taking initiative in resolving the problem

There's a saying with the 12 step program that if nothing changes, nothing changes. If our behavior continues to result in behavior we dislike, why do we continue our behavior? Because it's all we know. That's why parenting education is so valuable. It teaches us new ways of behaving to get different results--in ourself and our children.

Resources: Anger Management: The RETHINK Method. Research Press, Champaign, IL, 1991.

Positive Discipline for Teenagers: Resolving Conflict with Your Teenage Son or Daughter by Jane Nelson & Lynn Lott. Prima Publishing, Rocklin, CA, 1994.

Patricia Steffens
Extension Family Life Specialist
West Central Research and Extension Center

1. Praise well and often.
2. Give youth opportunities to control and tochoose.
3. Look for the positive in all situations.
4. Be responsible and give responsibility.
5. Validate feelings.
6. Focus on what it will take to make it right, to make it better, or make it different.
7. Help each other be right.
8. Be what you want your youth to be.
9. Play more, laugh more, and do more with them.
10. Create memories that will serve your youth for a lifetime.

From How to Create Positive Relationships with Students, Shelley MacKay Freeman, Johnson Institute, Minneapolis, MN, 1989.

When you are asked to describe yourself, what answer do you give? Have you ever been involved in an exercise where you are to list a certain number of positive traits about yourself? Did you find difficulty in doing that? Liking yourself may seem of little importance to you as you focus on your family, but it is far from unimportant.

If you are having a hard day, how do you tend to respond to others? Positive, pleasant, full of enthusiasm? Or withdrawn, self-absorbed, maybe a bit negative? If your perception of yourself is not very positive, how do you suppose you relate to your youth? Do you spend your parenting energy building them up, complimenting them, focusing on their positives? Or do you relate to your youth in less positive ways, focusing on their faults, making hurtful comments (although they might be unintentional), and conveying a negative attitude in general?

It's sometimes hard to realize that as parents, we need to keep our own self esteem scale tipped to the positive side to be of most value to our youth. Helping build self esteem in teens is critically important. Just because they've reached elementary age does not mean they are immune from needs parents have a responsibility to fulfill.

How can you build self esteem in yourself and your children? There are dozens of positive resources available. Below are listed just a few; they are not the best or the only references, but are there because I have found them to be personally helpful. Explore your library or bookstore for other choices.

Lingren, H. (1992). Liking Me, Liking You (Building Self Esteem). NCR441. University of Nebraska, Lincoln, NE .

Dargatz, J. (1991). 52 Simple Ways to Build Your Child's Self-Esteem & Confidence. Nashville: Oliver-Nelson Books.

Vannoy, S. (1994). The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children. New York: Simon & Shuster.

Lansky, V. (1988). 101 Ways to Tell Your Child "I Love You". Chicago: Contemporary Books.

Written by Dianne Zeilinger, Extension Educator
Blue River EPU, Seward County