We learn most about how to interact with others from our earliest relationships within the family. This continues to be true during the teenage years. The critical issue regarding changes in family relationships during the teenage years is the degree to which adolescents are able to develop autonomy while remaining close to the primary support of parents and family.
As we have discussed in past months, the development of this autonomy creates a shift in family relations. Acquiring the interpersonal skills necessary to negotiate these shifts in family relations is a critical part of adolescent development, and shapes the ways we relate to people for the rest of our lifetimes.
Generation Gap?
Changes in family relationships during adolescence have led to a the idea
of the "generation
gap". While most adolescents remain close to family members, sharing
similar values, attitudes,
and goals, it is in the arena of personal taste that the gap between generations
becomes
pronounced. Conflicts about clothing, music, and leisure time begin to occur
more frequently. Not
surprisingly, these are the areas of adolescents' lives over which peers have
most influence.
Recent research on parent and youth attitudes suggests that a "generation gap" may develop due to the different ways youth and adults view the same situation. While adults usually view these issues in terms of "right" or "wrong" based on convention or custom, adolescents usually see things in terms of personal choice. These problems are sometimes hard to solve since they are defined differently by parents and teens.
Closing the Gap
How can families encourage the development of interpersonal skills at home,
given that parents
and children often may differ in their experiences and expectations? Most
basically, parents and
teenagers should to try to understand each other's points of view.
Learning to be a good Listener
may be among the most important skills families can teach teenagers. When there
are
disagreements:
Parents and Teenagers ~ Different Definitions
A good example of the different ways parents and their teens define the same problem is the conflict that is common in many families -- cleaning the bedroom. To many parents, keeping a clean room is simply the right thing to do. Also, there is often a sense of convention involved; it may be embarrassing to a parent for guests to see a child's messy bedroom. From the teen's perspective, it is a simple matter of personal choice: "it's my room, why should it bother you?"
Ultimately, this is a struggle over authority who controls the teenager's personal space, and who has authority in family relationships in general? It is critical for families to talk about and listen to each person's point of view. By listening to your child, you teach him or her to listen to you in return. Once each person understands the other point of view, solutions may not be easy, but compromise will be possible. It is impossible to compromise if you are arguing about different things!
Teens and Adults ~ The War of Words
Why does arguing increase during the teenage years? Teens often see
themselves as adults,
ready to explore life. What's standing in their way may be a parents'
permission, money, or car
keys! No matter how reasonable parents' rules may be, the teen often sees them
as barriers to the
adult world.
Verbal skills and logic develop during the teen years. Arguing actually exercises a teen's ability to think and state a point of view. Teens have spent many years studying you. They know your buttons, your soft spots and how to win your empathy. So what's an adult to do when faced with an argument?
Handling conflict with teens
1. Don't get drawn into a fight. Be willing to calmly and rationally discuss
issues.
2. Give clear rules. Be consistent and willing to discuss the reason for your decision. If something is non-negotiable let them know this.
3. Stay calm. Teens are no longer children and do not want to be treated like a child. Try to work out mutually acceptable solutions when possible.
4. Agree to disagree on some topics. Validate your teen's right to have a point of view. Let them know you respect him or her but that you have a different point of view.
5. Go easy on the advice. It's natural to want your children to avoid repeating your mistakes. Advice doesn't always help teens solve their problems and may cause them to be over dependent on you.
6. Be supportive and encourage independence. Teens are in training for adulthood. When they make responsible choices, pay them compliments and gradually give them more opportunities.
Resources:
Barnes, Norine R., Parent-Teen Communication, Mississippi State
University Publication 1452.
Dekovi , Noom, & Meeus (1997) Journal of Youth and Adolescence.
26(3):253-72.
Fleming, Don; Schmidt, Laurel; The War of Words With Your Teenager,
Parenting Today's Teen, Nov/Dec 1996.
Steinberg (1996) Adolescence. 4th Edition.
This Back Page was contributed by Cindy Hendricks, Extension Educator, Douglas County, Nebraska.
