April 1997
Rodney Dangerfield isn't the only one who feels he "gets no respect." We hear it frequently and see it even more often. As adults and/or parents we are responsible for teaching our children how to show respect. Respect means showing others they are valued for who they are and not for their possessions or looks. It means treating others the way you want to be treated, never insulting or making fun of others who are different from us.
Respectful people are tolerant, courteous, and accepting. They do what is tasteful and proper in dealing with others. They don't stoop to violence or rudeness.
Here are a some ideas for modeling the virtue of respect:
Here are few activities that teach respect for families with young children:
To learn more about teaching respect and other lessons and activities in "Character Counts" please contact your local Extension office!
Habit 1: Be proactive. Members of happy families show each other kindness and consideration. They don't blame each other for problems or take out their anxieties on each other. They keep their promises to each other and apologize when they've said or done careless or hurtful things. They know that sometimes the best action is no action. Example: A husband and wife have agreed to stop and count to 10 when a discussion threatens to turn into an argument. They resume such discussions only after tempers have cooled -- and they each try to understand the other's point of view. Proactive people recognize they can't change others, only themselves.
Habit 2: Begin with a vision. To nurture the values that build a successful family, you need a shared vision of where you're going together. During your weekly family meeting, or over dinner, try asking, What do each of you see as the purpose of our family? The first time you raise this question, you might get puzzled looks or nervous giggles. But if you keep asking -- and listen to the answers -- you'll find that a shared vision will start to evolve. Example: The goals are to care for each other, offer mutual support and avoid tearing down each other. To develop a nurturing atmosphere in which love, order and faith can flourish.
Habit 3: Establish priorities. To put your vision into action, you need to set the right priorities. Helpful: Have a weekly family planning meeting. Review the coming week's responsibilities and opportunities. Based on your family's mission statement, schedule important activities first -- birthday celebrations, homework assignments, dental appointments, concerts, parent-child "private time". Then fit less important demands around them.
Habit 4: Think win-win. The opposite of win-win thinking is self-centeredness. When conflict arises, don't put energy into trying to prove you're right. Instead, use mutual benefit as your guiding principle. That doesn't mean your kids have to be happy with every decision you make. It means you need to take their desires into account -- even when you can't always grant them -- and you respect their rights to their own opinions.
Habit 5: Seek to understand, then to be understood. Practice the simple skill of reflective listening -- repeating back what the other person seems to be thinking and feeling. Example: Partner 1: What I hear you saying is that you're a little angry because I work so much. Partner 2: That's not all of it. I do feel angry because you work so much, but I also feel left out because when you are not working, you are going to other meetings or watching TV. Partner 1: You feel angry, left out and want me to spend more time with you. To keep discussions from deteriorating into arguments, follow this rule. Don't state your position until you've told the prior speaker what you hear him or her saying, and needing, to his or her satisfaction.
Habit 6: Synergize. Some people deal with disagreements by insisting on their own ways and treating everyone else's needs as secondary. Others try to compromise and may resent having given up too much. There's a third, more effective approach called synergy -- using creative cooperation to come up with a better solution than the options any of you would have thought of on your own. Example: Dad wants to take the family on a fishing trip. Mom wants everyone to spend the week at her mother's. Once this couple understands the needs behind their honest desires, they can move away from either/or solutions. They decide to rent a comfortable cabin by the lake and invite Grandma to stay there with them.
Habit 7: Sharpen the saw. The term sharpen the saw comes from the story of a man who was trying to saw through a log but was not making much progress. As he became more exhausted, his companion finally asked, Why don't you sharpen the saw? The man replied, Because I don't have the time. Unless people make time for self-renewal, they won't have the energy or the tools to build effective families. Family members need to support each other in renewing themselves in the major areas of life.
No family is perfect, but developing these seven habits can help build a trusting, supportive environment that nourishes every aspect of our lives.
(Source: October 1994 Balance Newsletter)
Written by Debra Schroeder, Extension Educator
East Central EPU, Cuming County